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[23 Apr 2009|10:49am] |
Sooo.. My life.
I love my house. I love living here with Butterfly and Byron. Things are working out very well.
We've got a sort of ying-yang thing going on that makes it flow. They smoke pot and I don't so they can just leave their weed out and never worry about it. I drink beer and I can leave like 5 different kinds in the fridge and they won't sneak any for themselves. Hell, even when I offer Byron some he never takes one :P
I've been gone frequently and Bfly will leave chores on this wipe board in the kitchen so when I have a day at home I know what they haven't done yet and what I can do.
It's refreshing to live with family. I want to try and be home more so we can grow closer.
I wanted to write so much more but I feel like things are up in the air, I'm so confused I just draw blanks.
Cameron said he'll always love me, but the love isn't there. "I love you but I'm not IN love with you" I suppose.
-shrug-
I guess I feel the same.
He said he wants to take ecstasy every day. That he wants trippy pills so he can get away from the real world because then everything in his life feels like it's alright. I told him he was depressed and he said he wasn't. He said he's just tired of doing the same shit every day and tired of everything about life. And tripping out on ecstasy makes everything ok. Serious shit.
Trying to take care of myself better. Been eating more and eating healthy. Putting on weight though, need to exercise. It was crazy hot for a few days and I just couldn't. *excuse*
I had a nightmare that I was basically anorexic but kept gaining weight like crazy and I got all huge. It was terrifying. I SHOULD just stop drinking so much beer. I've cut back but I loves the beer. T.T
Very into craft beers. Learning as much as I can all the time.
I reeeeeeeally don't feel like talking about myself any more haha. Downer?
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[12 Apr 2009|06:11pm] |
-----
What am I doing?
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[27 Mar 2009|08:57pm] |
Patrick is going to be so mad >.<
doh
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[14 Mar 2009|07:19pm] |
I'm so confused. My heart is broken x100 but I'm so happy that I have such wonderful friends close to me again.
It's nice to know I can leave for a few.. uuh YEARS? and come back to the same love I had before.
I hate myself and love myself at the same time.
I'm not really sure what's up or down but I'm not fully sure I care.
I feel very independent now though. No more sitting at home every night. I actually haven't slept in my new house ONCE since we moved in :P lawl
I feel stronger.
Yet so weak when it comes to Cameron still. bwaha
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[14 Mar 2009|07:17pm] |
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[06 Mar 2009|03:14pm] |
We rolled together last night. This morning he had a text message from that other girl. He says they just text now and then and that's it.
I feel like every happy memory we've had means nothing. That it's all gone. He still talks to some girl and keeps her thinking he's single. Like a back up plan? It's as if our love means nothing to him. It's not important.. When that's what's MOST important to me.
I keep having to remind myself that how I feel DOESN'T MATTER. I've told him he can go after her if he wants. Technically we're not even together so what I'm thinking or feeling about the situation does NOT get talked about. I have to sit back and love him, take what I can and hope that he decides I'm better than she is. If not then so be it. I gave it my best. I gave him a HELL of a lot more than any other girl would. And if he would still turn me down after all I've done and after all the love I've given then so long and farewell. If even my best isn't enough..
At least I'm losing weight :P Everyone's saying how good I look.
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[01 Mar 2009|07:24pm] |
I can't stop listening to this song, for the past week
My shadow side, so amplified,
Keeps coming back dissatisfied
Elementary, son, but it's so...
My love affair with everywhere was innocent,
Why do you care?
Someone start the car, time to go...
You're the best I know
My sunny side has up and died
I'm betting where we collide
The universe will shift into a low
The travesties that we have seen
Are treating me like Benzedrine
Automatic laughter from a pro
My, what a good day for a, walk outside
I'd like to get to know you a little better, baby,
God knows that I really tried
My, what a good day for a, take out bride
I'd like to say we did it for the better of...
I saw you there so unaware,
Those hummingbirds all in your hair
Elementary, son, but it's so...
The disrepair of Norma Jean
Could not compare to your routine
Balarama beauty goin' toe to toe
My, what a good day for a, let it slide
I'd like to say we did it for the better of...
I thought about it and I brought it out
I'm motivated by the lack of doubt
I'm consecrated but I'm not devout
The mother, the father, the daughter, yeah
Right on the verge, just one more dose
I'm traveling from coast to coast
My theory isn't perfect, but it's close
I'm almost there, why should I care?
My heart is hurting when I share
Someone open up, let it show
My, what a good day for a walk outside
I'd like to think we did it for the better of...
I thought about it and I brought it out
I'm motivated by the lack of doubt
I'm consecrated, but I'm not devout
The mother, the father, the daughter- Oh
You don't form in the wet sand,
You don't form at all- Whoa
You don't form in the wet sand,
I do- Yeah...
You don't form in the wet sand,
You don't form at all- Whoa
You don't form in the wet sand,
I do! Yeah!
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[01 Mar 2009|04:40pm] |
One thing I regret right now is not having a best friend around to annihilate our lives for a little while with.
So alone
My fault
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[01 Mar 2009|04:20pm] |
so much has happened... where do I start?
4 days before the first of the month Cameron told me it wasn't going to work. That if I moved in he'd end up hating me. So I moved out and into my mom's house. We're on a break because even though I've been perfect he doesn't know if he wants a relationship. He loves me less than he used to.
Then we ignored each other. One day he's waiting in the back room at work for me to get there. We kiss and he asks how I am. We kiss a few times that day and are all cutsie with each other. The next day NOTHING. Then the next day he helps me move all my shit out of my apt. He's cute and loving and wants to fuck me so bad. He texts someone and doesn't tell me who. All night he's sweet and kissy. Then when he goes to leave he won't say he loves me back. I make a stink and don't let him leave. He says he won't kiss me anymore or say he loves me because he doesn't want to lead me on. That he doesn't want a relationship. I ask why. I end up getting out of him that he wants to fuck other girls. One specifically. Some girl from high school got back in touch with him and he went and hung out with her "a few weeks ago". I told him he could fuck her as long as it was just once and purely physical. He said he wasn't sure if he could promise that - you don't know what feelings could be there. I said if he wanted to fuck other girls I could be ok with it as long as he came home to me at night. As long as *I* was the one he LOVED. He said I was crazy. He was crying the whole time and then said he wanted me to go home with him. So I packed my shit and we left. He ended up admitting that sex had gotten boring. We had a routine. I agreed. We were just having sex because it was available. I pried and wanted to know what he wanted in the bedroom, what would make him happy. I told him what I wanted. He said he couldn't keep talking about sex if we weren't going to fuck. I said let's keep talking and see what happens. We have AMAZING sex twice. After the first time I was like "better than you imagined it would be with that other girl??" and he said "I didn't even remember her for a second until you said that". In the morning I half-woke him up and asked "does this change anything?" he said "yes".
He said he would call me today but we already talked once. I lost some Molly I had bought for us and asked if he had it, so he called to question about it and say he didn't have it. (he texted "no, why?" and I didn't respond).
He kept telling me over and over he wanted to help me move. He text me asking if I needed any help tonight and I said we got it all. He said "Sorry I suck" and I said "you don't at all"
that was the last of it.
Sooo I don't know if he wants to pursue this other girl or not! Why would he ask me over to his house if he knew he wasn't getting sex? Maybe he thought the could get it? I'm hoping he just wanted to be near me. I've been backing off and giving him space but it's SO HARD. I'm upset, I naturally want to run to him. But I can't. COLD SHOULDER.
He said that other girl was hotter than me.
I'm trying to deal with the fact that he went behind my back to meet her and hang out with her and prob didn't tell her he had a girlfriend. All I can do is be ok with it and wait for him to come back. If not, so be it. I don't wait forever, I never have. But what we had is worth seeing this thing out till the last second. I won't pull out early.
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[26 Feb 2009|05:39am] |
Every morning my alarm would go off and I would reset it for 15 minutes later. I'd stay in bed with Cameron and snuggle. We'd do our little cutesy lovey-dovey talk, kiss a little, and then snuggle down for the rest of the 15 minutes. Sometimes I'd do this twice or maybe even three times and make myself just a little late for work.
I reset my alarm today and got back up before it went off again. I found no extra rest or peace in it. I felt stupid.
I wonder if he thought about that this morning when he woke up..
I'd call him my little sleepy bear and he'd call me his little (insert something cute) bear. He'd do is cute little wiggle thing and shake his head and make a funny noise.
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[25 Feb 2009|08:36pm] |
Oh. So last night Cameron tells me that me moving in is a "bad idea". I have to be out of my apartment in 3 days and have no where to go. My mom is going to let me move back in, but I have to sleep on the couch for now since I'm lacking a room and bed.
Life is grand!
Also, we're now on a "break" because he's feeling "smothered" and doesn't know if he wants to stay with me. He wants time to see if his life is better without me or with me. He says I've been the perfect girlfriend and he loves me.. he just loves me less than he used to.
Oh, and our 6 months was yesterday too.
I WIN!! :DDD
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[25 Feb 2009|08:11pm] |
Dawn comes, and we part ways once again.
My dreams becoming distant apparitions.
I turn to the warm wind for help, the wind I felt every time you held me...
As I was bathed in the light that followed on your heels
Spring is announced when the wild plants break out in a dance.
Summer comes to Uji, and in the fields are patterns of grass set out to dry
The autumn moon rises, let's celebrate its fullness.
Winter passes by, and I count off all the days and months again.
I can still see the too-distant blue sky when I close my eyes. (it was so warm.)
As I reminisce, I take your hand as I pluck the flowers and sing (there is no clue.)
Within the memories that are now coming back to me.
I'm setting out to find my way back to you.
Spring is announced when the mountain leaves break out in a dance.
Summer comes to Uji, and in the fields are patterns of grass set out to dry
The autumn moon rises, let's celebrate its fullness.
Winter passes by, and I count off all the days and months again.
Dawn comes, and we part ways once again.
My dreams becoming distant apparitions.
I turn to the warm wind for help, the wind I felt every time you held me...
As I was bathed in the light that followed on your heels
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[23 Feb 2009|01:15pm] |
I haaaaaate packing shit up. I can't get motivated AT ALL to go to my apartment to pack, lol.
Bre has me hooked on her ginger chocolate. I was trying to lose a little weight and get my skin to clear up. Guess that'll have to wait :P This shit is so scrumpcious!
To do list:
Pull money out of savings
Pack apartment
Call Leo
Cancel appointment with Allen's Wrench
Call Terry's Auto and tell them WEDNESDAY is when my car will be in
Clean room
Bring shit home
Cook dinner
Figure out lunch tomorrow
Vacuum?
that's in no particular order. But ALL need to get done today. Except maybe vacuuming.
Booo @.@
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[21 Feb 2009|08:50pm] |
Blah.
That's how I feel.
And I'm mad that I have such a happy/fun day tomorrow and I'm feeling so shitty right now. It's making it hard to be excited. -.-
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[17 Feb 2009|01:43pm] |
Recap on Valentine's Day!
Had a SHITTY morning. There was WAY too much to do and I kept fucking shit up. Dropping stuff, ripping buttons off my jeans, ect.
I got all mad and it was Smoked Porter with Vanilla Bean growler fill day at Stone so I called up Brian (tarzan) and we were off! Had 3 beers there and then LOCKED MY KEYS IN THE TRUNK. Brian drove me home and Cameron and Brian ventured off on a weed mission while I gots pretty. Cam LOVED my dress. Thankfully Lindsey and Dan were just as late as we were. 30 minutes after our reservation we got there. No biggie, we called and let them know. Macaroni Grill! Cam had layers of lasagna plus some heini, I had chicken fettacini alfredo, a beer, and an Ultimate Leaning Belini. The drink was ok, pretty sugary, the food wasn't AMAZING and they charged me 1.99 for my salad!! I thought it came with dinner :( bastards.
We then headed over to Bevmo after dinner for some additional refreshments. Deschuttes brewery was there doing TASTING! So fun!! We paid .50 cents and got to talk to some very knowledgeable representatives and sample some very nummy brew.
Before heading home we picked up my car at Stone and then Lindsey and me stopped by Albertsons because I knew we'd need munchies before the night was over. We bought each other fuzzy happy snuggly stuffed animals and loaded up on junk food.
We ventured home and the boys played beer pong, the girls talked, and I did some laundry. I ended up throwing popcorn at the boys faces and they ate off the floor.
The boys were curled up asleep on the floor by 9pm and that sort of drew an end to our Holiday. I didn't get to wear my lingerie or anything. But that's fine, I had work at 6:30 the next day and an early night made tomorrow's hangover less heinus.
Oh, Cameron brought me flowers! Good boy. ^_^ No gift but whatever.
I got him a new golf glove, a new golf club cover, cutie boxers, a reeces peanut butter heart, charleston chews, and chocolates! ^_^ Oh, and a marshmellow heart!
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[17 Feb 2009|09:44am] |
There isn't anything to do on my day off. It's too cold out for me to be motivated to do anything.
I really need to go pack shit up at my place but I'm lacking boxes to do so. (Cameron has some, but they're broken down and in the back of his truck. Very unhelpful.
I'm thinking I'll walk a few miles to Albertsons and pick up... Nothing because I don't need anything from there? haha and then go to Walmart where I DO need things.
I have lots of cleaning I can do around this house, though I hate it.
Rawr. Today is going to be boring.
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[13 Feb 2009|04:44pm] |
I had a good day but I feel like shit.
Lots of shit going on that makes life complicated. I kind of want to be alone but I can't since there's room mates about.
So this guy from work might move in with us. His name is Matt and I think he's in his mid/late 20s and he creeps me out. He's a pretty normal guy but he gives me weird vibes. He's seen the house and was 90% on moving in. THEN butterfly calls me! And she wants to move in! I freaking wish I would have known that like 3 days ago :/
And tomorrow is Vday and I have at least 3 places to go.
1) Go to work meeting at 6:30am
2) Buy food
3) Go to apt, clean and show it to that couple
4) Pack and leave
5) Buy Cameron's Vday present
6) Get nails done (if time)
7) Do hair
8) Vday dinner
Hopefully I can get a nap in there. So work, apt, errands.
It's only 5 and I'm like ready to go to bed :( I'm sooo wiped out.
I want beer and a nap!
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[12 Feb 2009|04:35pm] |
Work is EXHAUSTING. We're changing EVERYTHING we do in book keeping so today I was being retrained by corporate. So was my boss. It's a lot to learn at 6:30 in the morning. And we didn't even have lunch till like 12:30 :(
Tomorrow I'm going to be in there for a few hours and then get on the register. That'll be SUPER tiring. Going to cram my head full of stuff and then go stand around for 6 hours.
So just like I thought Cameron's room mate is gonna be here for a little while longer. He's leaving on the 24 to go up to Washington to look at places to move. He's all "yea I might be here another week or two. You guys could just like prorate rent and I'll pay some". Which is cool and all except me AND another room mate now have to be out of our places on the 1st... So I have to move all my shit into the garage and wait for this kid to leave before Cameron and me can move our shit into the master bedroom. AND what about the other room mate? If he's gotta be out on the first he's gonna have no where to sleep! It's sort of shitty that all of a sudden, two weeks into the month, he drops the whole "I can't be out on the 1st" bomb. If I would have known that I could have told my landlord I needed to stay an extra few weeks and see if he'd prorate MY rent for March. Which I'm sure he would have but now he's trying to rent it out ASAP and already has a couple lined up.
So basically Feb AND march is going to suck ballz. @.@
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[10 Feb 2009|10:44am] |
I have no confidence in my self because no one has had any confidence in me. For like the last 15 years.
My mother always thought I was a lying whore addict.
Even had boyfriends that thought the same.
My job seems to think I'm incompetent even though I've proven I'm not over and over again for TWO YEARS.
It alienates me from having any close and meaningful relationships, even friendships. I used to always think people were lying when they said nice things about me. And that I was disposable. We were friends but not FRIENDS.. That's why I lose touch with everyone.
That's not to say I didn't love my friends deeply and that they didn't mean the world to me. I just always assumed I was a bother and that they had better things and friends to attend to.
I still fail at making friends and getting respect. My self esteem has withered in the absence of any confidence.
That's also why I never try anything new.
Anything from activities or changing my life. I want to go back to school, I just don't think I'd succeed. I want to change my style of dressing but I'm afraid of it not being "me" and then I'd just seem like I was pretending to be better than I am.
I'm tired of being so scared, timid, and unsure.
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[10 Feb 2009|09:49am] |
haha I love my bf. He gave me $60 today to go buy presents. He said for me or us. YEA RIGHT FOR ME ONLY! I actually think he wants me to go buy some lingerie but whatever. I'm going to go buy something that'll make my hair wavy since he loves it like that.
^_^ oh the possibilities!
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